Two Faced into True Faced

*Inspired by the United Brethren Senior High Retreat*

Who am I? Someone tell me.

I don’t even know anymore.

People pleaser to the core,

I have lost myself.

I know I’m not alone.

Others fall into this trap

We don’t want to offend,

So we pretend.

My time, my efforts, my

They really aren’t my own.

My identity is lost in the

In my service to others.

Who am I?  Can anyone tell?

Of course they can’t.

They only see what I show them.

That’s all they know.

The reality of the
two-faced metaphor

Is far too real.

I have a different mask for
each situation;

For each person, media,
building, setting, school, home, church.

No one even notices or can tell what is real.

I’m broken and I’m hiding.

How do I redeem myself from
this pit?

How do I relearn who I am?

How can I change now?

If I do find myself, won’t everyone just call me a liar and a fake?

Alone with my thoughts, my
mind swirls.

Lies encroach, depression
swells, anxiety sets in.

My chest tightens and I
give into the fear.

I accept that I will be
lost forever in this hell I have built for myself.

Keep up the appearance and no one will know…

…I don’t even know…

God…who am I?

If you claim to have created
me, you should know.

Right?  Or did I mess up so bad that even He can’t recognize me.

I sit…I wait…I cry…

And then…

I remember, my Bible.

Sitting dustily, neglected
beneath my bed.

In a stack, with a bunch of other books never read.

I dust off the cover and
look it over.

Sticky notes and tabs
hanging out of the sides.

Not the work of my hand but of a woman who told me once that she cared.

My youth leader gave me
this Bible.

I never even opened it.

I figured I didn’t need to
because I knew what was inside.

I would see my failures and would crumple in comparison to how I was supposed to live in this world.

But this time, is

I’m broken beyond repair,

a little glance can’t make
things worse,

I really don’t care.

I crack the cover open and an
envelope falls out.

Still sealed, never
unfolded, never read.

I peal back the paper from
the envelopes glue,

I pull out the paper and see its dull blue lines sprawled across it.

Unfolding the paper I find
it odd

that this mystery letter is
only a few lines long.

“A Bible full of
reminders.  Don’t forget the Truth.

Identity is something I
have struggled with too.

In my life these passages
have helped me,

I hope they give you clarity too.”

I spend the next hour on my

I flip from tab to tab, reading hi-lighted verses.

God, it says here that you
know me.

These words seem too good
to be true.

Too good for me.

But, I kind of wish I could
believe. How?

As soon as that thought slips out of my mind and into a sloppy little prayer, I flip the page to the next bookmarked spot.

John 3:16.

I begin to cry.  He answered my how…

He saved the whole
world.  Even me.

Even messed up, hidden, masked, two-faced me.

I pray, a real prayer, for
the first time in a long time.

I ask for forgiveness.  I apologize for lying.

I tell Him I’m sorry for
all of the lost time I spent not believing.

I thank Him for saving
me.  And I ask for His help.

That He would restore me. That He would help me when the lies come crowding back into my mind.

God, help me to see myself
the way you see me.

Help me to destroy the
masks and to show my true face, the one you created,

The way you see me.

Help me to believe that I am who you say I am.

Help me to reclaim my identity as a daughter of the King.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him will not perish but have eternal life."
John 3:16

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